Seven Words

I wrote this poem several years ago about a major experience that I had in college.

December

Damn, it’s too cold to be running

I haven’t eaten all day I can hear my stomach grumbling

Merely 20 years old a Junior in college

Where I gain the knowledge

That spark on the side of the lake that night

A light that would forever change my life

The NJ clouds are pourin’ down rain

My headphones can’t drown out the pain

My running clothes are all soaking wet

I cannot cry there are no tears left

I keep thinkin’ ‘bout the hours before

I keep thinkin’ how will I survive this storm?

I run so fast I’m losing my mind

I run so fast breath is hard to find

The Dean who is like a mother to me

Entered her office and said lovingly

Joe, you’ve been suspended

I sat there, I couldn’t comprehend it

The golden boy was asked to leave

But I’d worked so hard at this university

From the theater stage to the school newspaper

From the dance studio to the international center

Running discussion groups directing plays

A volunteer Big Brother like a mouse in a maze

I kept running around took no precautions

Searching for food found only exhaustion

It came down to one big paper

Afro-Am History thank God my major

Started at midnight finished by nine

Printed it up and turned it in on time

Not my best work but I figured I was fine

But my mind had come up with a different design

My body could no longer tolerate this arduous path

So my mind helped and found an escape hatch

I pushed eject and for a sec I believe I can fly

Then gravity arrived I had to leave for a year’s time

Plagiarism would forever be in my file

A devastating thought as I run that last mile

I run so fast I’m losing my mind

I run so fast breath is hard to find

I arrive at the lake

My heart pounding headphones blasting

I’ve let my parents down shame everlasting

What am I to do?

I am no longer the shining prince of the family

My direction if I only knew

People make mistakes but can that be me…

People make mistakes but can that be me

I approach the thought ever so gradually

I ask for guidance and direction

Is it possible that I’m human with imperfections?

And at that moment my life changes forever

The pieces of the puzzle have finally come together

At that moment my fears take flight

The doors in my mind open to a great new light

This is the chance I’ve been waiting for

The word “suspension” is nothing more

Than cartoonish implausibilities

I have one year with limitless possibilities

Ahead of me a wide open ocean

Behind me in my wake only false notions

Of punishment pitched at a speed blazing hot

I’m gonna catch it and say “Is that the best you’ve got?”

Suspend?

You can’t suspend me

That’s like trying to stop Inertia multiplied by Chi

Seven Words come to my mind

Seven Words I scream so loud breath is hard to find

I no longer live for my family I live for me

Within this crisis I will find opportunity

Seven Words come to my mind

Seven words I scream so loud breath is hard to find

There will be no more guilt no more shame

No more martyrdom no more blame

I create the world in which I want to live

I create the life that I want to live

I am human standing here with no armor

I can finally live my own life with dignity and honor

Seven Words come to my mind

Seven words I scream so loud breath is hard to find

I look up at the corner traffic light

It brightly shines red

I tell myself when that light turns green

Life begins again

I think I’ll walk back

I’m tired of running

As I repeat seven words to myself:

Bring on your warriors

I fear nothing.

What LA and NYC don't understand

What LA and NYC just don’t understand

A lot of people just don’t get it

I hear the front door open

And the footsteps above me

Moving closer

Closer to ecstasy

Keys drop on the dining room table

And then an “I’m home”

Illuminates the dark staircase which creaks under my father’s feet

For he not only carries the weight of a brutal work day counseling drug addicts

But more importantly…

He carries the weight of a Pete’s #2 Sausage Pizza

If I was a dog

My tail would be waggin’ like crazy right now!

I’ve already prepared for the sacrifice

The towel laid out on the wooden coffee table

The glasses hangin’ out in the freezer

filled with ice

The Coke waiting on the table

The salt and red pepper

Standing at attention

Ready for my father

My father who always makes due with what we have

It’s not always a lot but it’s more than enough

The pizza is placed perfectly on the altar

There is no pizza box

Only the outer paper

Stapled to itself

Creating a small dome

Holding in the flavor and the heat

Emanating from the…

The paper’s ripped open

Faster than my dad can say

“Enough with the poetry

Let’s eat!”

And so we do

Picking up the perfect

Squares of thin-crust pizza

Making sure to leave the corner pieces for mom

My mom who is still working her job at Wright College

To make sure I always get what I want

The ten speed bike

The dual cassette boombox

The skateboard

Yes, they’re always the generic Zayre’s version

But I still get what I want

The sauce is rich

Filled with spices that I wish

The rest of the country understood

The cheese perfectly browned

Dripping onto the cardboard

The sausage in large homemade chunks

The house is now filled with the smell of pizza

Causing my sister to come running down from her room

“Why didn’t you tell me it was here???”

Sorry.

I grab 3 or 4 pieces before my dad eats them

And now

All these years later

I bite in and immediately

Remember riding my ten speed down Austin Avenue as fast as I can

My book bag pulling on my shoulders

From the weight of the library books

Which doesn’t matter because pizza awaits me at home

I remember re-heated squares on hot summer Saturdays

Hiding in the basement watching my vast assortment of VHS dubbed movies

My dad calling for me to move the sprinkler

To the other side of the sidewalk

To water our small patch of grass

I remember playing pinners against the carpet store next door

making the game-winning catch of the World Series

Only to be interrupted by the Cosby Show and my father was already on his third piece!

I remember grabbin’ cheese pieces on a Friday night during Lent

Wrapping them in a paper towel

Running to catch the 76 West towards Harlem Avenue

Where I make the transfer north

To see my friends outside of Rolling Stone Records

To do what exactly?

No one ever really knew

But it had something to do with girls

Alll I know is that I’m home

I bite in and I remember Chicago

The city where

I had my first major crush on Gina Derango in 4th Grade

I first snuck into a Rated R movie with friends in 5th Grade

I got into my first fight with Tony Svanicini in 6th Grade

I saw Van Halen for the first time with my dad in 7th Grade

I had my first job at Wright College in 8th Grade

I kissed a girl (I mean, like a REAL kiss) for the first time in 9th Grade

I played LeComte de Guiche in Cyrano de Bergerac for the first time in 10th Grade

I drove a car for the first time listening to “The End of the Innocence” in 11th Grade

I experienced love for the first time in 12th Grade

Chicago my home town

the city I once knew

Once grew up in

I bite in and I remember a time when financial debt and back pain were not friends of mine

I remember a time when my dad still lived in that house

When my mom was still alive

and my sister was still my “li’l sister”

I miss that moment

It was so much easier

But I know that change isn’t a bad thing

And I should be honest with myself

I don’t think it was actually easier back then

Just smaller

Now my sister is the mom of my new favorite nephew

My dad lives on the west coast in driving distance

And my feelings for my mom are no longer filled with annoyance but now only love

But one thing that hasn’t changed

As soon as I arrive home for the holidays

I order a pizza on the way back from the airport

Say hello to the owner

Drive slowly with the pizza in the back seat

Walk into my sister’s house

Put on a movie, maybe “The Breakfast Club”

And I dive in.

Diving

DIVING

Damn

Everyone else is already at the bottom of the ocean

While I’m still putting on my fins

There’s nothing I hate more than

Making people wait

I jump in and the Costa Rican water is way colder than I expect

And it’s saltier than I expect

And I have to inflate my BC

Because I can barely keep my head above water

And my weight belt is loose and falling off my waist

And water is filling my mask

And the current is pushing me up against the boat

Pushing me further and further away from everyone else

And there seems to be a hiss coming from my tank

That can’t be good

Why am I doing this again?

Because my mom never learned how to swim

So when I’m six months old

She enrolls me in a swimming class

And she watches from behind glass 

As the instructor takes me in his hands

And throws me in the deep end

I begin to sink

She begins to panic

She screams

Standing on chairs

He’s drowning out there!

But just then she says

Physics kicks in

And I begin to paddle

And float to the top

Pretty soon I’m doing flips

That started out as belly flops

I think I’m-

No

I KNOW I’m the shit

Even though the other boys 

Can do double back flips

I never quit

I’m smaller but

I keep trying to improve

I’m gonna prove that a boy from the blue collars and red bricks

Of Chicago

Can be just as good as the pretty boys from the John Hughes suburbs

And my mom watches as I leave the neighborhood pool

Where the temperature of the water

Is predetermined and perfect

And even at the deepest point 

I can still reach the bottom

She watches 

she encourages me

Cuz she knows that the ocean can be a beast

The waves can’t be controlled

There's so much beneath the surface that can't be seen

Most kids don’t even get in 

Most only dream from the shoreline

Drinking juice boxes with friends

But she says

My son has always loved to swim 

And so I venture out

And I keep swimming further and further out

And every time I turn 

I see her

And she says,

“Good! Just be careful, mijo”

That word

Mi’jo…

Which I now know is Spanish for “My Son”

However as a child I looked it up and found out Mijo in English means

“Millet” - a fast-growing cereal plant that is widely grown in warm countries and regions with poor soils

I assumed that “millet” must be a very valuable commodity in Mexico

Because when my mom calls me “mijo”

Confidence replaces doubt

And I’m free to swim to the furthest lengths of the ocean

And I keep swimming further and further away

And the water gets deeper

And at some point I am no longer 

Swimming in the sky blue daylight

But now it’s pitch black past midnight

And now when I look back 

I don’t see her anymore

I can’t even see the shore

And my heart is beating faster

And I taste the salt

And I see them now

Their fins circling me

They whisper

Why are you even here?

Who were you to think 

You could swim out further than the rest?

You’re way out of your league

These waters are where we feed

And I can’t see anything in front of me

When did everything get so dark?

I’m sorry mom

You were right

I’m drowning out here

The dive captain

Comes back up

I say

“I don’t think I can do this”

“It’s okay,” he says

“Take a deep breath

Just relax

We can go down when you’re ready

Just look towards the bottom

You’ll be alright” 

For a second I think

Maybe I should just get back on the boat...

But I didn’t come all this way to talk about what I almost did

I don’t watch from a distance

I tighten my mask

I deflate my BC

And I start to descend

But that’s not enough

The hardest part is always the first few feet

Gravity will always pull you back up towards the surface

And I never quit

Instead I flip my body over and I commit

And I kick

And I kick 

And I kick as hard as I can

And the water starts to clear 

And I can see the rest of our group waiting down there

And I give the okay sign

Not the “thumbs up” sign cuz that would mean that I need to go back up

And we start the dive

And

Mom

I wish you could see how beautiful it is down here

I’m sorry that you never learned how to swim

But you made sure that someone taught me

And because of you

I’m not only not afraid of the sea

I can now breathe 45-55-65 feet beneath the surface

And as I dive deeper

The darker it gets

But the more beautiful the colors that are revealed

And it gets colder too

And you’d be stupid to not wear every piece of the wet suit

you’ve gotta protect yourself

sometimes the pressure is so much

I’ve gotta pause 

pop my ears

and I glide along the bottom

And that hiss that I hear?

Yeah, I start to breathe in water

But I stay calm

I wave to my captain

And he switches me to my secondary

And I can breathe again

Cuz all of this weight that I carry

that feels so heavy on land

Serves me the deeper I go

And the deeper I go 

The lighter it gets

And those sharks I used to fear

They don't even give a shit that I’m here 

They’re like

Oh great

Here comes another group

Everybody move

They swim away

We politely swim through and I say,

“Excuse me excuse me

Don’t mean to bother you”

But this is where I’m meant to be

In the peaceful calm of the darkest parts of the sea

And we get back up to the boat afterwards

And the dive captain asks

“Was one of you singing down there?”

And I say, 

“Yeah, that was me

It’s just something my mom taught me.”

"All I Know is Here - a poem for dreamers"

The following poem is based on a New York Times article by David Gonzalez.

I wrote it during the Obama administration. I feel it’s even more important to share these days.

"All I Know Is Here - a poem for dreamers"

I can’t sleep.

I tend to live in my head overanalyzing everything.

And, yes, I know, they keep telling me I should relax more

But, please, I just turned thirteen!

My father walked into the store today.

He said

Mi’ja happy birthday!

Close the cash register

Come here

Your mother and I know that you’re excited to enter high school

You’re excelling in every class

Getting straight A’s

We know you love math

You’ve already skipped two grades

We’ve decided to give you

Something we never completed

We’re returning to the US to finish your education

I smile but it’s half-hearted

My parents tried once before

My father graduated at the top of his class in Quito, Ecuador

And went to the U.S. on a legal student visa.

He was a big engineering stud

He found out that my mom was pregnant with me

So he dropped out and returned to Ecuador to be with my mom

And me

And then he smuggled us back into the U.S. illegally

It was a difficult decision to make

But he once said

I will do whatever it takes

To support my family

My mother found herself working in a mattress factory in Miami.

We couldn’t make ends meet

And before long

Goodbye U.S.!

Hello Ecuador otra vez!

So now here we go again.

I said goodbye and hugged all my friends

And here I lay unable to sleep

Please, lord, help open some doors

I open my eyes…

And I’m on the streets of New York City Queens

The years have passed by

Now I need coffee to survive

I’m twenty-two years old

Although it’s 95 degrees outside

The future feels frightfully cold

I graduated from high school with honors

However without those random nine numbers

I can’t go to college out of state

No scholarships no financial aid

At least the city colleges of New York

Offer a tuition reduction

With no required social security card.

I’m surrounded by others like me

Speaking 25 different languages

From 32 different countries.

Freda missed large parts of school living in war-torn Sierra Leone

Claudia from Mexico wrote poems and essays so beautiful in Spanish

Yet struggled with her English classes

She wanted to be a doctor in her hometown

Now so broken down

She cleans offices with her mother downtown

And then there was the Guatemalan boy from my statistics class

Forced to return to his country.

After two weeks of living there, he became a statistic,

Killed by the gang members who he fled the country to escape

I know that I’m meant for more

But constantly fear that someone’s gonna show up at my door

And tell me

You don’t belong here

Why are you even trying anymore?

My friends are heading to Vegas for a bachelorette party

With no I.D.

I’d have to take a two-day bus ride while they choose to fly

I’m almost ready to cave in to my mom’s advice

And marry an American

I don’t believe in marriage without love

But I can’t go back to Ecuador

All I know is here

If I leave, my application for citizenship could take the mandatory ten years

I am over-qualified and under-paid

And yet…

As much as I complain

At the end of every day, I give thanks for five things that happened that day

One – thank you for my family

Two - thank you for my boyfriend

A young man from Mexico

Undocumented like me

Who I met at a Dream Act rally

We spend time together volunteering

And although my mother teases me

In the end she just wants to see me happy

Three – thank you for my book-keeping job

Four – Thank you so much for the President’s deferred action plan

My approval notice came in the mail today

My nine random numbers

Temporary but so needed and appreciated

And five…

Lord, thank you for letting the train arrive on time today

If I had to spend one more minute on that hot-as-hell platform

I would’ve yelled at somebody!

It’s been a tough year

But we manage

Family members in Ecuador tempt us with job offers

But my parents resist their pleas

They’ve done so much to see us succeed

And we will not let them down

Because we are a new breed

Born from our parents’ cultures and American opportunity

We are everything that our parents want us to be

We stand on their shoulders

And if there’s one thing on which my friends and I agree

It’s that we prepare for what we think will come tomorrow

But accept each day’s adventures as they arrive

I let the tears roll down my cheeks

Because now I can finally sleep

In my home

In America.

Dear Future Wife

Dear Future Wife:
I know, right?
I’m not sure why we haven’t met yet either
Actually that’s not true
I’m pretty sure I know it’s my fault
I thought I had to have it aaaaall figured out like:
Career check
Money in the bank
Check
Hair style appropriate for my age?
Yes
Am I a success?
Do I have a happy life!
Yes?
Great
Let’s go find a wife!
And I kept being like
“I know why every date ends the same
Cuz I know everything about HER except her name”
SHE will be a short
Brunette catholic Latina
From the city of Chicago
Maybe she’s
Part polish
Part mexicano
Just like me
And she loves to dance
Just like me
And she loves Rakim
Just like me
And she knows every single line from The Breakfast Club
Why does it sound like I’m looking for me?
As you can see
I can get a little wrapped up in who I think you’re supposed to be and
What I’ve been told is a “real man”
But instead - this is my declaration of exactly who I am
In the simplest of terms
The most convenient definitions...

My full name is Joseph Edwin Philip Hernandez-Kolski
I don't read nearly enough books.
I love my DVR way too much
I don’t watch Game of Thrones though because I can’t handle the commitment of another TV
show
I don't follow soccer
I think Bob Marley is way overplayed
And when I die
If I somehow end up in hell
The soundtrack will be Linkin Park, Bone Thugs n Harmony, Mumford and Sons and Abba.
I can't stand the royal couple. I don't give a shit about Kate or her baby.
I think they’re simply the Kardashians with a li’l bit of purpose
Unsubscribing to people on Facebook is my favorite pastime.
If you’re too sad or too happy, I will unfollow you
You have to be at the exact same level of hope and pessimism as me
I’m surprised by how many pairs of shoes I now own.
And I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a sock that fits shoe sizes 6-12.
I get annoyed by people who don't know their directions.
The ocean is west
Figure the rest out.
I wax my eyebrows
Because my mom once said, “You should wax your eyebrows”
And sometimes
I curl my eyelashes
Because my mom once said, “You should curl your eyelashes,” she curled them, a girl
complimented my eyes and I’ve been doing it ever since
I miss my mom
A lot
It’s been five years
And I know it’s now part of my life
Loss like that
Never goes away
You learn how to put it away
I LOVE Snowboarding
It is my white privilege sport of choice
I also love an occasional cigarette
And a Smirnoff ice
Because they make me feel like the bad boy that I never was.
I think dancers who take photos in front of graffiti pieces are silly. Yes, the graffiti may give u
street Cred but I can't see u.
I think Spinach is the most versatile vegetable ever
And no matter how much I love A Tribe Called Quest, The Roots, Li’l Louie Vega, Phoenix,
Duncan Sheik, Prince, James Brown, Meshell Ndegeocello, Stevie Wonder and Jack White
Van Halen will always Rule!
But I hope you’re down with El Debarge
And the Commodores!
Oh, damn, the Commodores!
I wear my headphones in my car so when I talk to myself people won't think I'm crazy
I know there are three things that will never change in America
Immigrants will keep coming to this country
Gay people will keep being gay
And bacon will always taste awesome
I think the only reason fighting is allowed in hockey is because it's a white dominated sport.
Which is why I want to implement inner city hockey programs
As soon as Blacks and Latinos have hockey sticks
Watch how quickly fighting will get banned
And we can have a real conversation about race in America
And remember Underoos? The commercials would show a li’l boy pretending to be Batman
fighting crime in his underwear? At the age of five, I thought that shit was childish and
immature. And then, one day, I was like, “Fuck it! Let’s have some fun!” And I put on my
superman t-shirt and underwear, tied a towel around my neck and I flew around my house and, to this day, I have never felt more free.
And, yes, you’re right
I should wash my shower curtain more often
And replace my Brita water filter when I’m supposed to
But I’ve got more important shit to do
I don’t have time to post selfies on Instagram
I don’t give a shit how many likes my photos get
And, yes, I’m totally lying
But I’m doing my best to stay focused on what’s important
A clear sky the day after a rainstorm
Early morning exercise that I have to get up for
And the hand that I have to keep putting on my sister’s back
I plan on singing Bill Weathers and the beatles “blackbird” to our children
And when it comes to our wedding?
I hope you love Anita Baker’s “Giving you the best that I’ve got”
Cuz I want that to be our first dance
And I wanna have a late-night all-night dance party
Where we all get unbelievably sweaty to house music
And you better bring your sneakers
Cuz i'll fuck you up on a dance floor
That’s not a threat
It’s a challenge
I want you to step up
Cuz I’m ready
At some point
My ovaries went into overdrive and I am done
I think feminism is the radical notion that women are people
And yes, I read that on a calendar
But I like it
It’s simple
And I’d like to think this is simple
And I’d like to think we’ll do this as a team together and yet somehow
I do get scared cuz
I can’t offer you financial wealth right now
But I am working at cutting my debt
And I am learning how to cook more and eat out less
I’m tired of thinking that I’m not enough
That I’m not a success
There is this voice that wants me to focus on what I do wrong
Instead of what I know I do best
This voice that’s comparing and keeping score
That’s where my anger lives
And I’m not listening to that voice anymore
I’m turning those roars of insecurity
Into whispers
I’m pushing the darkness to the back
Too often it ends up in my lower back
But that’s temporary and I know that
Just as long as you walk on my back
That’s all I ask
And that you stay positive so we can find the silver lining in every cloud
And as long as I’m with you
You'll never have to open another door again
You’ll have to get used to having a new best friend
You will always feel loved
I give the best damn hugs
And you'll have to get used to doing things with only one hand cuz I'm always gonna be holding
the other
Well
That’s pretty much everything about me
Now I’m dying to hear
What’s your story?

A Tinder Poem.

I tell myself
You shouldn’t be dating right now anyway
You’ve got too much to do
You can’t go out right now
You can’t deal with people asking personal questions like
How are you?
Right now
They might see the scotch tape that holds your smile in place
Right now
It’s good that you’re free on a Saturday night
Right now you have time to write
So why
Right now
Are you on Tinder swiping right??
I don’t need a woman
Oh!
It’s a match!
She writes hi!
I write “Hey / smiley face”
Back and forth
Back and forth
Back and forth
An “LOL”
A place is chosen nearby
And now I’m sitting in front of this woman
Who tells the bartender
Kettle & tonic with a wedge of lime
Not a slice
A wedge
And I hope you know the difference.
Hi, Joe.
Uh, hi.
Sorry I’m running late
So…it’s been a rough day
I joined instagram today
And somebody already has my name
So I had to add a “1” to my name
But now none of my friends can find me
And they keep tagging me in photos
But they’re actually tagging her
It’s been such an ordeal
How are you?
I answer
I’m fine
She asks
That’s it?
I say
Yeah
She says
C’mon Joe
Don’t be afraid
I’m not afraid
Then tell me the most revealing thing you can
The first thing that comes to your mind
Tell me something real
Don’t do it, Joe
She doesn’t deserve to know
Oh what the hell
Real.
Real is the quiet of my mom’s hospital room
The quiet that is only broken by her heart monitor and the machine that keeps feeding her the
morphine
She breathes through her mouth
In a deep sleep
Her hand so warm
Resting against my cheek
Her wrinkled skin and blue veins
Covered in my tears
I tell her
It’s okay mom
We’re gonna be fine
You can go now
I love you
Goodbye
The next morning
The room
10 degrees colder
Her body
Just a shell
Her mouth so open so wide like
Her spirit needed as much space as it could get to get out
That little short brunette firecracker at 5 foot 1
Who everyone loved
The mickey to my rocky
Who always pushed me back out into the center of the ring
Told me I could do anything
The woman who told an entire Chicago movie theater
You can’t leave yet
My son was in this movie!
And then made them all applaud my EMT #2 credit
Even though you saw my face for less than a second
She
Is
Gone
And what do I do now?
Return to LA?
So I can go on web shows
Where we discuss Christmas sweaters of celebrities? 
So I keep thinking
I have to get my shit together
I don’t have time to date!
I’m at an age where the stakes is high
Families are getting built all around me like tract homes
And dates have become financial assessment interviews
But then I tell myself you’ve gotta get out!
Enjoy life!
I just wanna let loose for once in my life!
Not think about, “Well, Joe, is this what a gentleman would do?”
I want you to get me drunk on real fruity drinks, Tinder lady
Make fun of the fact that I’m a big lightweight
I wanna laugh
I want to go back to your place
I want you to dig deep into my back
While I
Bite your neck
Just for one moment
Cuz
For real
And I hope this doesn’t sound rude
But I don’t think I like you
I can already tell
And you’re probably a sweet woman
And I’m broken as well but
I don’t see you as marriage material
For someone else sure
A man who loves instagram and lime wedges
But not for me
You’re half my age
Seriously
How far did we think this was gonna go anyway?
And…
You’re blonde
And you’re tall
Not that I’d necessarily rule it out
It’s just
I tend to date short brunettes
Yes
In other words
I tend to date my mom
Yes
I plan on naming my first born son Oedipus
Oedipus Hernandez-Kolski
So maybe I should just go…
Unless you’re still interested
Cuz I’m totally still down
She says no
She says
I’m looking for something real
And I understand
I thank her for meeting me
I pay the bill
We leave
I get in my car
My phone dings
Hmm
Someone just tweeted about me
Just went on a tinder date with @pochojoe. Couldn’t stop talking about himself. #SoLA.
So I retweeted it.

"Scrolling For Love" aka "This is purely a fictional piece. This never really happened. Never. And if you tell anybody that I actually did this, I'll deny it."

This is good
I like being by myself
I don’t need anyone else
Laundry’s been folded
I have no plans tonight
Desk is cleared
I am ready to write
Here
We
Go
Let’s just check status updates real quick
Oh
That’s a cute pic of Alicia and her kids
“Like”
Throw back Thursday
Oh my god
Look at Alfie's hair
“Like”
Look at my buddy who just booked a pilot
“Like”
Thank god I’m not the jealous type
Oh...hello
Who is this young lady with Mike?
Look who I bumped into downtown?
#oldfriends
Yes indeed
I will look into her
We have only two mutual friends
22
Mike and his wife Jess
That’s great I love Mike and Jess!
And she likes The Walking Dead
Nice!
And she likes A Tribe Called Quest
Yes!
And she likes Blade Runner
Holy shit!
This could be it!
She could be the one!
I should send Mike a message right now
Tell him to introduce us
I’m so ready for Mike and Jess to be our best friends!
And we can all go to the Farmer’s Market together!
She’ll wear a cute li’l sun dress
And I’ll wear that fedora I don’t have the courage to wear alone
And who’s this?
Look she has a cute puppy
Named Veggie!
Oh my god
I’m so ready to take Veggie for walks!
What if this woman and I are meant to be?
But that’s all that I can see
The rest of her shit is blocked
Wait
Mike posted her handle
@kat de groot
Let’s check out her Instagram
Oh she is cute
She doesn’t look too tall
So I won’t feel insecure when she wears heels
And she looks short enough
That she’ll fit
And
That is a beautiful sunset pic
Damn
My girl is so artistic!
And who’s this?
Yup.
There it is
Her man
Taking a nap
With their cat on his chest
And Veggie on his lap
Looking straight out of a goddamn Gap ad
“Got home and found these three rascals asleep”
#buds
#love
23
#okay I get it you have a boyfriend
Oh jeezus
And here’s another pic
Of him in an apron in the kitchen
“Look what my boo is makin
Chocolate covered bacon!”
Are you serious, Mr. Boyfriend??
Let me gues
Let me guess
I bet you have a job in marketing
And a loft downtown
And you drive Ms. Girlfriend around
In your convertible jeep
And she curls up on your arm
And no matter how windy it gets
Your hair always looks perfect
You never shave
You volunteer at a dog rescue on weekends
You do jiu jitsu with Ryan Gosling
Who comes over for dinner
And he flirts with Ms. Girlfriend
But you never get jealous, do you?
Which is why
After Ryan leaves
You cuddle up on the couch
And Ms. Girlfriend says
You’re so awesome
Then you take out a piece of jewelry that you handmade on your volunteer trip to Costa Rica
with Habitat for Humanity
Huh??
Mr. Boyfriend
Mr. So Much Better Than Me
Mr. Life is just so easy
Mr. I’m so perfect and so damn happy!!
Whoo
What’s going on, Joe?
What are you doing?
This is INSANE…
I don’t have time for a relationship now anyway
Too bad too
@kat de groot
#things were looking up for you
and #me
I guess we’ll never know now
But we had our moment, didn’t we?
I hope you don’t mind
But I’m closing that window
Yes
24
Command Q – oh – command Q
It’s you who I truly love
You you you close these windows to these curated artificial lives
Thank god I’m not the jealous type.

"As Real As The Movies"

When I meet my future wife
It’s gonna be just like Dirty Dancing
I’m Johnny
The tough yet sensitive bad boy who knows how to dance
I walk in
I take her hand
We feel our hearts beat as one
We dance
And we know
So when my last girlfriend came into my life
And it didn’t feel like that
I let her go
She’s not right for me!
She’s not my baby!
And my status switches quick!
I start clicking “like” on cute girls pics!
Heck yeah
I am single once again!
So why can’t I get this woman out of my head?
Wait, which movie am I in again?
Cuz it feels like I’m the detective
At the end of Usual Suspects
And I’m putting the pieces together about my ex
The chemistry when we first met
How we perfectly danced together while we slept
We melted easily into each other’s lives
Ending each and every night
Watching “The Daily Show”
We were so close
And somehow like that
I let her go
What if the one who I’ve been looking for
Has been sleeping next to me all this time
And I’m just too blind to see it?
Oh my god
No way
I just broke up with Keyser Soze
So I go outside
And all of a sudden
I’m Harry ready for his Sally
Running through New York City streets
So I can say
I love the way you can’t wake up in the morning even with five alarms set
I love the way you eat healthy all day then devour a gallon of ice cream at midnight
I love the way your clean clothes sit in a pile for days
I love the way your finger caresses the inside of my palm while we quietly watch a play
Let’s take this chance
Let’s jump off this cliff together
Like we’re Butch and Sundance
But as I reach for her hand
She’s holding the leads
Great
Now I’m in Glengarry Glenn Ross
And she’s demanding the ABC’s
Always Be Closing, Joe!
Step up! Be a man!
Have you figured it out yet?
What is your five-year plan?
I don’t know
And now
I’m really confused
Cuz now we’re standing in a courtroom
And you’re Tom Cruise
And you demand
“I want the truth!”
And I’m like
I can’t handle the truth!
I don’t know if I love you
I mean
I know I LOVE you
But I don’t know if I love you because I love you
Or because I love the way you love me
I just don’t see myself loving you enough
And I’m scared we’ll be sitting in the back of the bus
And you’ll be in your wedding dress
And I’ll be Dustin Hoffman
Wondering
Did I do the right thing?
And why is Simon and Garfunkel playing?
And why is Al Pacino from Godfather 3 screaming in my head
You were out and she pulled you back in!
So now I sit here alone
Praying that somehow your ringtone will emerge from my phone
Cuz at times it feels like I’m Noah in The Notebook
Ready to love you no matter what you say or what you do
But you’re Sarah Marshall
You’d rather hang out with that rich British dude
Who plays the guitar
Cause they always play the guitar
But I know he loves you
You guys seem to be a much better fit
You both seem so happy in all of your profile pics
It’s Facebook official
Something that I was scared to do
Maybe it wasn’t that you weren’t right for me
Maybe I’m not right for you
And that’s okay
At least we’re friends again or at least you accepted my request
I wish you the best
Cuz I’ve gotta believe that there’s still someone waiting for me
To raise a boombox over my head
To serenade her with a full marching band
To play her in a game of 1-on-1 double or nothing
I’m gonna see her across a crowded high school gymnasium
Filled with dancing rival gang members
I will take her hand
We will dance
And we will know
Tony had Maria
Harry had Sally
Noah had Allie
Woody had Buzz
And I’m gonna have you
And sometimes it’s gonna be less Love, Actually
And more like Platoon
We’re gonna have those awful days
When Darth Vader is lowering me into carbonite
And you’re gonna say “I love you”
And I will say
Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Joe then dances like he’s in Dirty Dancing, ending with picking up an imaginary girl over his
head.