Dear Future Wife:
I know, right?
I’m not sure why we haven’t met yet either
Actually that’s not true
I’m pretty sure I know it’s my fault
I thought I had to have it aaaaall figured out like:
Career check
Money in the bank
Check
Hair style appropriate for my age?
Yes
Am I a success?
Do I have a happy life!
Yes?
Great
Let’s go find a wife!
And I kept being like
“I know why every date ends the same
Cuz I know everything about HER except her name”
SHE will be a short
Brunette catholic Latina
From the city of Chicago
Maybe she’s
Part polish
Part mexicano
Just like me
And she loves to dance
Just like me
And she loves Rakim
Just like me
And she knows every single line from The Breakfast Club
Why does it sound like I’m looking for me?
As you can see
I can get a little wrapped up in who I think you’re supposed to be and
What I’ve been told is a “real man”
But instead - this is my declaration of exactly who I am
In the simplest of terms
The most convenient definitions...
My full name is Joseph Edwin Philip Hernandez-Kolski
I don't read nearly enough books.
I love my DVR way too much
I don’t watch Game of Thrones though because I can’t handle the commitment of another TV
show
I don't follow soccer
I think Bob Marley is way overplayed
And when I die
If I somehow end up in hell
The soundtrack will be Linkin Park, Bone Thugs n Harmony, Mumford and Sons and Abba.
I can't stand the royal couple. I don't give a shit about Kate or her baby.
I think they’re simply the Kardashians with a li’l bit of purpose
Unsubscribing to people on Facebook is my favorite pastime.
If you’re too sad or too happy, I will unfollow you
You have to be at the exact same level of hope and pessimism as me
I’m surprised by how many pairs of shoes I now own.
And I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a sock that fits shoe sizes 6-12.
I get annoyed by people who don't know their directions.
The ocean is west
Figure the rest out.
I wax my eyebrows
Because my mom once said, “You should wax your eyebrows”
And sometimes
I curl my eyelashes
Because my mom once said, “You should curl your eyelashes,” she curled them, a girl
complimented my eyes and I’ve been doing it ever since
I miss my mom
A lot
It’s been five years
And I know it’s now part of my life
Loss like that
Never goes away
You learn how to put it away
I LOVE Snowboarding
It is my white privilege sport of choice
I also love an occasional cigarette
And a Smirnoff ice
Because they make me feel like the bad boy that I never was.
I think dancers who take photos in front of graffiti pieces are silly. Yes, the graffiti may give u
street Cred but I can't see u.
I think Spinach is the most versatile vegetable ever
And no matter how much I love A Tribe Called Quest, The Roots, Li’l Louie Vega, Phoenix,
Duncan Sheik, Prince, James Brown, Meshell Ndegeocello, Stevie Wonder and Jack White
Van Halen will always Rule!
But I hope you’re down with El Debarge
And the Commodores!
Oh, damn, the Commodores!
I wear my headphones in my car so when I talk to myself people won't think I'm crazy
I know there are three things that will never change in America
Immigrants will keep coming to this country
Gay people will keep being gay
And bacon will always taste awesome
I think the only reason fighting is allowed in hockey is because it's a white dominated sport.
Which is why I want to implement inner city hockey programs
As soon as Blacks and Latinos have hockey sticks
Watch how quickly fighting will get banned
And we can have a real conversation about race in America
And remember Underoos? The commercials would show a li’l boy pretending to be Batman
fighting crime in his underwear? At the age of five, I thought that shit was childish and
immature. And then, one day, I was like, “Fuck it! Let’s have some fun!” And I put on my
superman t-shirt and underwear, tied a towel around my neck and I flew around my house and, to this day, I have never felt more free.
And, yes, you’re right
I should wash my shower curtain more often
And replace my Brita water filter when I’m supposed to
But I’ve got more important shit to do
I don’t have time to post selfies on Instagram
I don’t give a shit how many likes my photos get
And, yes, I’m totally lying
But I’m doing my best to stay focused on what’s important
A clear sky the day after a rainstorm
Early morning exercise that I have to get up for
And the hand that I have to keep putting on my sister’s back
I plan on singing Bill Weathers and the beatles “blackbird” to our children
And when it comes to our wedding?
I hope you love Anita Baker’s “Giving you the best that I’ve got”
Cuz I want that to be our first dance
And I wanna have a late-night all-night dance party
Where we all get unbelievably sweaty to house music
And you better bring your sneakers
Cuz i'll fuck you up on a dance floor
That’s not a threat
It’s a challenge
I want you to step up
Cuz I’m ready
At some point
My ovaries went into overdrive and I am done
I think feminism is the radical notion that women are people
And yes, I read that on a calendar
But I like it
It’s simple
And I’d like to think this is simple
And I’d like to think we’ll do this as a team together and yet somehow
I do get scared cuz
I can’t offer you financial wealth right now
But I am working at cutting my debt
And I am learning how to cook more and eat out less
I’m tired of thinking that I’m not enough
That I’m not a success
There is this voice that wants me to focus on what I do wrong
Instead of what I know I do best
This voice that’s comparing and keeping score
That’s where my anger lives
And I’m not listening to that voice anymore
I’m turning those roars of insecurity
Into whispers
I’m pushing the darkness to the back
Too often it ends up in my lower back
But that’s temporary and I know that
Just as long as you walk on my back
That’s all I ask
And that you stay positive so we can find the silver lining in every cloud
And as long as I’m with you
You'll never have to open another door again
You’ll have to get used to having a new best friend
You will always feel loved
I give the best damn hugs
And you'll have to get used to doing things with only one hand cuz I'm always gonna be holding
the other
Well
That’s pretty much everything about me
Now I’m dying to hear
What’s your story?