I tell myself
You shouldn’t be dating right now anyway
You’ve got too much to do
You can’t go out right now
You can’t deal with people asking personal questions like
How are you?
Right now
They might see the scotch tape that holds your smile in place
Right now
It’s good that you’re free on a Saturday night
Right now you have time to write
So why
Right now
Are you on Tinder swiping right??
I don’t need a woman
Oh!
It’s a match!
She writes hi!
I write “Hey / smiley face”
Back and forth
Back and forth
Back and forth
An “LOL”
A place is chosen nearby
And now I’m sitting in front of this woman
Who tells the bartender
Kettle & tonic with a wedge of lime
Not a slice
A wedge
And I hope you know the difference.
Hi, Joe.
Uh, hi.
Sorry I’m running late
So…it’s been a rough day
I joined instagram today
And somebody already has my name
So I had to add a “1” to my name
But now none of my friends can find me
And they keep tagging me in photos
But they’re actually tagging her
It’s been such an ordeal
How are you?
I answer
I’m fine
She asks
That’s it?
I say
Yeah
She says
C’mon Joe
Don’t be afraid
I’m not afraid
Then tell me the most revealing thing you can
The first thing that comes to your mind
Tell me something real
Don’t do it, Joe
She doesn’t deserve to know
Oh what the hell
Real.
Real is the quiet of my mom’s hospital room
The quiet that is only broken by her heart monitor and the machine that keeps feeding her the
morphine
She breathes through her mouth
In a deep sleep
Her hand so warm
Resting against my cheek
Her wrinkled skin and blue veins
Covered in my tears
I tell her
It’s okay mom
We’re gonna be fine
You can go now
I love you
Goodbye
The next morning
The room
10 degrees colder
Her body
Just a shell
Her mouth so open so wide like
Her spirit needed as much space as it could get to get out
That little short brunette firecracker at 5 foot 1
Who everyone loved
The mickey to my rocky
Who always pushed me back out into the center of the ring
Told me I could do anything
The woman who told an entire Chicago movie theater
You can’t leave yet
My son was in this movie!
And then made them all applaud my EMT #2 credit
Even though you saw my face for less than a second
She
Is
Gone
And what do I do now?
Return to LA?
So I can go on web shows
Where we discuss Christmas sweaters of celebrities?
So I keep thinking
I have to get my shit together
I don’t have time to date!
I’m at an age where the stakes is high
Families are getting built all around me like tract homes
And dates have become financial assessment interviews
But then I tell myself you’ve gotta get out!
Enjoy life!
I just wanna let loose for once in my life!
Not think about, “Well, Joe, is this what a gentleman would do?”
I want you to get me drunk on real fruity drinks, Tinder lady
Make fun of the fact that I’m a big lightweight
I wanna laugh
I want to go back to your place
I want you to dig deep into my back
While I
Bite your neck
Just for one moment
Cuz
For real
And I hope this doesn’t sound rude
But I don’t think I like you
I can already tell
And you’re probably a sweet woman
And I’m broken as well but
I don’t see you as marriage material
For someone else sure
A man who loves instagram and lime wedges
But not for me
You’re half my age
Seriously
How far did we think this was gonna go anyway?
And…
You’re blonde
And you’re tall
Not that I’d necessarily rule it out
It’s just
I tend to date short brunettes
Yes
In other words
I tend to date my mom
Yes
I plan on naming my first born son Oedipus
Oedipus Hernandez-Kolski
So maybe I should just go…
Unless you’re still interested
Cuz I’m totally still down
She says no
She says
I’m looking for something real
And I understand
I thank her for meeting me
I pay the bill
We leave
I get in my car
My phone dings
Hmm
Someone just tweeted about me
Just went on a tinder date with @pochojoe. Couldn’t stop talking about himself. #SoLA.
So I retweeted it.